Bionic Woman or Short Bus Special.....

I finally ordered an insulin pump.   I've been taking insulin since I was 5, sick since I was 3 or so, and I'm coming up on 34 and just now ordering a pump.  I feel excited and defeated. 

My indifference is robbing me of the joy of conviction in a decision once again.

I've been able to function on the cheap injection therapy for years, even hid the ailment from many people.  A pump is expensive, and personally invasive from my perspective.  I'm making this change because there are people that need me here, want me here, and I love life when I feel okay.  Just maybe the pump will make okay happen more of the time.

Change is hard, back to that feeling of defeat.  I have traveled much of the US for work, seen foreign beaches, and had a family (not technically mine, but mine).  Most would think that I am the QUEEN at coping with change, and unsual situations.  However, when it comes to my own health, I can be so unflexible it is just downright SILLY!  I don't know why I see this change as defeat, but it feels that way.  I'm willing to admit that I have never been one to process feelings quite so well.  (hahahha.....feelings.....catch me if you can.)

I watched this video recently that had this chick, Jony or Joni....she became paralyzed after a diving accident.  Instead of being sad and bitter she was talking about how she felt the power of God, and that God gave her the power to help others, do art with the strokes of a brush in her mouth, and wheel herself around in her chair.  She glowed in her chair, was beautiful even as she spoke of how much love she felt from God and how gracious God was.  (If she was on a pain-killer or antidepressant to help her cope, man on man, that ish is GOOD.)

I am an ASS, why am I not feeling this love and being as gracious as Joni?  Why can't I be thanking Jesus that I am healthy, defying previous predictions and have achieved nearly every goal I set for myself?!  I'm a selfish bitch, and am shamed by this chick, she is a SUPERwoman.  I may be a selfish ass, but I am humble with much admiration for the strength in a paralyzed woman that can go out and preach that there (still) is a loving God.

I may never have that kind of gratitude, or that faith, but I can appreciate it.

Pray for me to have the strength to embrace change.

Excessive Pits

I have lived a reasonably healthy and very successful life as a Type 1 Diabetic for 30 years now.  This is a prideful statement since I read that many T1 Diabetics last 25-30 years from diagnosis when I was 11.  (Casey Johnson, Betsy Arnst, Liz Rehn, and many other T1s that passed young…..your legacy is remembered.)

 I also had a couple doctors along the way talk to me as if I were a time bomb; my sense of mortality arrived before puberty.  The greatest tragedy is that I would have been a bigger success if I hadn’t lived in my cloud of doubt and fear…..not that it was only MY fear, the expressions I saw when I had to give a shot to eat were like a death sentence.

Type 1 Diabetes is a disorder that results after your own body decides to kill off pancreas cells that produce insulin.   My own body was self destructing, long before I could reason.  Insulin turns food into energy to live, laugh and love.  Those of us with T1 need pumps or shots to wake up each day.  If only taking the insulin was the end of it.  We also have to be conscious of everything we consume to ensure the insulin we take will convert it.  When we under-dose, we end up hyperglycemic feeling horrible.  When we overdose we are hypoglycemic feeling horrible.  As a Diabetic I would say that I am lucky to feel anything other than horrible 50% of the time.  I have felt tired, had headaches, or been nauseous most of my life.

In the last year I have learned that a friend’s 3 year old son was diagnosed T1, as well as another acquaintance’s 21 year old daughter met the same fate.  This auto-immune disorder can present at different phases, clearly some of us might have a better ability to fight the trigger illness that is the catalyst to developing T1.  As much as this saddens me, I am hopeful that some genius will isolate the stem cells that can survive the attack and we can all make some insulin again with stem cell plants.  Then again, perhaps we are playing god, and I should keep being thankful that technology can keep me feeling okay 50% of the time with injections.

Life is not a bowl of cherries, but life with Diabetes has excessive pits.

Alpha and Omega

The human condition, it is glorious as well as gloriously angst ridden.  We come into the world needing care, and excited family members & friends emphatically embrace us.  Then as we exit needing extensive care, and painful medical treatments, our dearest suffer as we slip away.  Hellos are so much more enjoyable than good-byes, oh the bitter-sweetness of being human. 

My father in law, almost 80 now, was skiing and playing tennis not long ago.  Right now, he rests while in pain in his bed waiting for a peaceful end to his fight with a rare infection, failing heart valve and organ function loss.  It is very unfortunate that as we age each ailment seems to have a domino effect leading to the next health challenge.

There is so much sadness in not being able to be by a loved one’s side when they pass, and yet, remembering them before their suffering may also be a relief.  My step-son that lost his real mom suddenly is very hurt not to be with his Grandpa, and this is breaking my heart too.  (Sighs) 

I try to use the cliché phrases about soon he will be free from pain, and this is for the best.  I do believe that the tears shed when someone in pain dies are for those of us that lost, not for the pained spirit freed.  Yet, there is little peace to be gained at this moment in the grief process.

Peace be with us all, and may my s-son have better coping mechanisms than I have.  J

I got my population communications inc request for money today, and...

I was watching Extreme Home Makeover the other night, and found myself annoyed.  My glass is half empty predilection demonstrates, again.  Instead of being moved by commercial kindness I’m irritated; first by the fact that 100 families could be helped rather than only 1 with the lavishness that is demonstrated in these shows.  And second, a sixteen year old advertising his film, titled “Never Say Never” as our media touts how tough fame is on him.

It’s not that the families that get these extreme  gifts don’t deserve them, but the extremeness of the handouts is almost as ridiculous as a 16 year old having a movie memoir about not saying never when he hasn’t lived a quarter of a life.  Maybe if you’re carrying HIV, and living in Africa, would such a memoir make sense, but here in the USA this movie, IMHO, is non sequitur.

I read today that the adoption of foreign children in the US has dropped 15%.  Granted, Brad and Angelina are allegedly having challenges, and for those of you only reading People magazine, the US economy is nearly in a Chinese toilet.  No one can afford the adoption fees, or the kids. 

Glass is half empty or not, we are not in a good place when over-privileged teenagers are making millions with bubble gum hip hop, and many Americans still can’t afford healthcare.   Add global warming worries, and over-population issues leading to a lack of water and food.  (Sighing with defeat…) Maybe having memoir books and movies before the age of 20 is not quite so damn non sequitur as I first thought.

Humans are breeding a new child every minute while food production drops, and the availability of fresh water declines.  If your glass is still half full, you’re drinking something other than water.

A few good romantic comedies

I'm watching the somewhat depressing movie "Full Frontal" today for the second time, and it is one that should only be watched once.  Although, the painfully realistic complex drama of people's lives falling apart and new relationships budding is making more sense the second round.  I appreciate the mental escape movies provide as well as the perspective.  This particular movie explores the human condition, the impact of pot brownies on humans and a canine, extra-marital affairs and the trauma of suicide.  It's an interesting story if you can handle a documentary on broken people, real people.  Directed by Steven Soderbergh. Starring David Duchovny, Nicky Katt, Catherine Keener as well as Julia Roberts.  A day in the life of a group of men and women in Hollywood, in the hours leading up to a friend's birthday party.  It is listed under romantic comedy, but it isn't until near the end that I have my first giggle. 

One of the best romantic comedies I've ever seen was "Closer".  I had kinky dreams with Clive Owen and Natalie Portman for weeks after watching this erotically charged flick.  The movie is a witty dangerous love story about chance meetings, instant attractions, and casual betrayals. Closer is director Mike Nichols' critically acclaimed look at four strangers - Julia Roberts, Jude Law, Natalie Portman and Clive Owen - with one thing in common: each other.  This movie is not for the naive romantic, it might break your heart.  Jude Law''s acting is good in the movie also, but my favorite Jude Law movie has to be Alfie.  The scenes with him and Sienna Miller are sexy, and disturbing.

Oddly enough, I also think the drama the "People vs. Larry Flynnt" with Woody Harrelson, Courtney Love and the very sexy Edward Norton belongs in the romantic comedy category.  Although Larry and his wife lived a very non-traditional life the movie portrayed that he loved his wife, and fought to make her last days as pleasant as possible.  Not exactly a good date movie, but an interesting film with odd perspective.

I acknowledge that truth can be stranger than fiction, and that is why escaping from reality with a movie can be such a nice release.

Time for popcorn with salt and butter, yum!  :)

Hedonism & the slippery slope of needing it to feel like the first time

There is a doctrine that happiness is the highest good, and hoards of folks will tell you only do something if it makes you happy.  Devoting oneself to pleasure as a way of life on its face seems human nature, but it is human nature that makes this lifestyle a slippery slope.  Don’t forget that debauchery is a synonym to hedonism, and self-denial is an antonym.

In high school I attended a health class where the teacher claimed that if you drink or smoke, you will likely try pot.  If you try pot, uppers in the form of your friend’s ADD meds or cocaine were likely next, and for you more extreme folks… heroine and meth would be the next stop.  She also claimed that those who drink too much are inclined to have casual sex.  I recall a fellow student saying, “Man, I gotta start drinking so I can sport fuck.”  So Tiger Woods is an alcoholic, right?!!!

In life there are lots of lines; between love & hate, bi-polar & sane, social drinker & alcoholic, playboy & sex addict.  I’m listening to Grandmaster Flash’s, “White lines”, yeah, those should be avoided too.   All these lines cause angst to someone you know.

I was about 12 when I attended my first funeral; a team-member from my speed skating team that had too much cocaine one night, and passed from a heart attack.  She was a very nice person that cut hair, and my mom recalled her saying that the skating team was so good because it kept the kids away from drugs.  Oh, the irony.  I’ve attended several other funerals (even was an alter girl at a couple); most of the deaths less dramatic natural causes, but at least three caused by drugs, alcohol, and/or suicide.

I have touted myself as a hedonist at different points in my life.  It seems to me that being happy should be our primary goal, but as I’ve aged I realize that the pursuit of happiness is also the source of much angst. (Spa visits with stellar massages excluded, of course.)

Even if you have no addictive tendencies, and have so much integrity that you will never cross certain lines….the pursuit of pleasure is a slippery slope and as we hear Foreigner singing, “It feels like the first time”, you know you’ll keep wanting something to feel like a first.  The thing about each adrenaline rush, new love, first buzz or other way one spanks their monkey to chase the blues away…all only cure boredom for a brief stint, some ups also result in extreme lows.  A hedonist, without any other purpose than feeling pleasure, goes chasing for the next up until they reach the edge.   Hunter S. Thompson wrote, “The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.” 

Hunter also wrote that only the good die young, and I have heard that he ended his life after learning he had cancer.  I think Hunter’s picture belongs in the dictionary next to the word Hedonist, and below his could be Tiger Woods.

Life is crazy, and if you find yourself living without purpose, selfishness then self-pity can swallow you. 

My mom is always reminding me that God has a purpose for us, well, I'm still waiting for him to whisper in my ear.  Our god-like Oprah, tells us that our purpose is to strive to be our authentic self.  Thankfully, I can recreate my authentic self, again and again….it can always be a first time.   I've been called the responsible black sheep, so it would seem I've kept my hedonistic spirit in check.

I will close with one more quote from Hunter:

"So we shall let the reader answer this question for himself: who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed?"  

There is dad, and there is Dave.

The phone rings, and even before I look to see who is calling my stomach sinks knowing it isn’t going to be a call I want to take.  It’s mom, and she is fighting back tears as she tells me dad is being difficult, and asks can you and your sister make your way over.  Knowing that my dad is agitated in another manic spell I suggest everyone comes to my house, getting him out of the house may help lower his tension.

Before my parents arrive I clear glass objects away from where I plan on my dad sitting.  When my dad is manic his balance is off, his hands shake, and I call him Dave instead of my dad because he is another person.  Similar to an angry drunk, he becomes belligerent and mean.  My dad is commonly a very calm man that loves math, his kids and my mother.  Dave has a predilection for buying un-necessary things, and talking about separating from my mother as well as a myriad of other irrational ideas….

Dave walks in with balloons, and hefty collection of shopping bags.  I sigh knowing that some large discount booty is surely going to be gifted to me.  He mentions that he wants to have a party, but doesn’t yet tell us why.  He is pacing around my living room, I can see that my mom is exhausted, scared and the sorrow on her face lets me know he’s been difficult for days.  Dave is rambling, and his voice is raised.  I suggest that he go use the hot tub to unwind a little, and he excitedly accepts.  Once he is in the hot tub, and staring at the view he proclaims he is in heaven.  When he is really up, he might really think he is; allegedly he was speaking of the end of the world coming a couple days ago to my sister.

My sister, aka “hostage negotiator” arrives.  She first embraces my mom, and whispers in her ear that things are going to be okay.  Mom breaks down and cries for a bit while I am watching over the potential hostage; it seems inevitable that we may need to take him to the hospital if he is not sleeping and his agitation level increases.  He rarely wants to go.  The four of us sit-down, and listen to Dave discuss why he is so angry, his voice becoming louder and louder.   I calmly ask, “Why are you raising your voice so much?”  He yells like a tantruming child, “CAUSE I’M ANGRY!”, and he starts for the door.  Dave is so fight or flight.

After we coax him to stay he repeats some things he's already said then tells us now that he has quit his teaching job, and we are celebrating his retirement.   This job he quit was a part-time job teaching 5^th graders, and apparently they agitate him too.  Funny thing is, he may have told his students he quit, but I don't think he really resigned yet.  This next week should be interesting. He goes on about my mother controlling the money too much, and that he wants a separation so he can spend his money.  For those of you that know them, you know how truly irrational this train of thought is….quit your job, spend a bunch of money then be convinced that dissolving your marriage is a good idea.

My sister does a good job of calling him out on the divorce talk, noting my mom has never done anything to deserve this threat.  In a matter of five minutes it seemed something dramatic changed in his mood.  Dave became less aggressive and threatening and was speaking more softly.  I assumed either he was tired, or he realized he wasn’t going to get away with being mean to our mother.  My father hands over the credit cards, and agrees to go home and try to sleep.  Kristin and I walk them out, hoping all will be better in the morning.  Yet, we’ll both be sleepless with our angst knowing this situation is volatile, and a dark down could also be around the corner.

I once came across a box of love letters that my dad wrote to my mother.  He was a great writer, and his letters embodied the amazing romance they felt years ago.  They’ve been married for 45 years now, and I’m sure that she has at times turned to those letters to remember the good times to help her get through the bad ones.  I’m sure this kind of story might even scare people from ever wanting to marry.  Many people are broken, and it takes a lot of strength to help them through it. 

I ask for prayers to help me accept the things I cannot change, and maintain a loving heart.