I finally ordered an insulin pump. I've been taking insulin since I was 5, sick since I was 3 or so, and I'm coming up on 34 and just now ordering a pump. I feel excited and defeated.
My indifference is robbing me of the joy of conviction in a decision once again.
I've been able to function on the cheap injection therapy for years, even hid the ailment from many people. A pump is expensive, and personally invasive from my perspective. I'm making this change because there are people that need me here, want me here, and I love life when I feel okay. Just maybe the pump will make okay happen more of the time.
Change is hard, back to that feeling of defeat. I have traveled much of the US for work, seen foreign beaches, and had a family (not technically mine, but mine). Most would think that I am the QUEEN at coping with change, and unsual situations. However, when it comes to my own health, I can be so unflexible it is just downright SILLY! I don't know why I see this change as defeat, but it feels that way. I'm willing to admit that I have never been one to process feelings quite so well. (hahahha.....feelings.....catch me if you can.)
I watched this video recently that had this chick, Jony or Joni....she became paralyzed after a diving accident. Instead of being sad and bitter she was talking about how she felt the power of God, and that God gave her the power to help others, do art with the strokes of a brush in her mouth, and wheel herself around in her chair. She glowed in her chair, was beautiful even as she spoke of how much love she felt from God and how gracious God was. (If she was on a pain-killer or antidepressant to help her cope, man on man, that ish is GOOD.)
I am an ASS, why am I not feeling this love and being as gracious as Joni? Why can't I be thanking Jesus that I am healthy, defying previous predictions and have achieved nearly every goal I set for myself?! I'm a selfish bitch, and am shamed by this chick, she is a SUPERwoman. I may be a selfish ass, but I am humble with much admiration for the strength in a paralyzed woman that can go out and preach that there (still) is a loving God.
I may never have that kind of gratitude, or that faith, but I can appreciate it.
Pray for me to have the strength to embrace change.
Hugs Sarah, you really are an inspiration.
ReplyDeleteI think the pump is a very good move. I understand how you feel about it, though. If you think about it in a different way, say, if you needed glasses. You wouldn't just walk around bumping into things, thinking "I should just be able to see, damnit!". Taking the help available to make your life better is just plain smart.
ReplyDeleteI love how introspective you are. Not many people are able to learn from the things the see in others, Sarah. You are awesome.