The angst of weight gain and insulin management

The issue of weight is often in the thoughts of those around me.  Especially my female friends spend hours watching it, obsessing over it and diligently managing it; plenty of guys I know do too. My brother in law has commented that, "Americans behave as if having fat is a sin, something so deplorable it shouldn’t be done." He speaks Spanish as his first language so his statements often translate somewhat dramatically in English. Yet, his comment is very on point when I reflect on my friend's beliefs and our media messages.


Type 2 Diabetes is a North American epidemic, Canadians and US citizens especially in colder climates are not only obese, but many are approaching morbidly obese body index rates. “Morbidly obese”, how could being this not be a sin, it sounds TERRIBLE. I’m aware that there are many folks that might be approaching “obese” per medical charts, but their cholesterol, blood pressure and other health measures are otherwise normal or healthy. Yet, our media and much of our culture seems to want to send the message that we all should be jiggle free. Then again, is that just what me and many of my women friends perceive due to our own predispositions?!

Either way, I’m currently pretty embarrassed about my body mass index, weight and reduced muscle tone. I’m more embarrassed about this physical failing than a number of other things I could be ashamed about, i.e. rising HBA1C tests or higher cholesterol.  I may be more aware of these issues with my Diabetes, but I know this obsession is shared by many folks...with or without a chronic challenge.


I’ve known several T1 Diabetic men and women that have quit taking their insulin for brief periods. Some were trying drastic measures to see if they could live without it, and some were taking huge risks to drop weight. Without insulin to convert your food to energy then fat, your body will certainly drop some pounds while pumping acid through your blood. It’s an effective method, but certainly not a smart thing to do for any length of time. Diabetes and eating disorders are inevitably linked, as a kid you’re told carbs make your blood sugar high; your perception is that food is your enemy much of the time. (See, I have very good reason for being so anxiety ridden…this was tough growing up with.) I would guess that most T1 females dealt with a bout of what is called Diabulimia. Some eat and then puke, and some chew on food for a few moments to taste it and never swallow it, or others decide to not give insulin.  I've read about a couple teenager girls that died from diabetic ketoacidosis after skipping their insulin too often to lose weight.  This disorder is more risky than one might think, and the variations on insulin and eating disorders can be pretty extreme in the teen years and well into adulthood.  (Keep a close eye on your teens, and if you think they're lying about what they eat....they likely are.)  There is a book about Diabetes and eating disorders written by Maryjeanne Hunt that is a very good read, and will provide insight on how to turn your Diabetic loved ones on to fitness as a coping method (T1 Diabetes focused, more than T2).

I thought that going on the pump might help me lose weight after I had put on quite a few pounds while taking Lantus and Humalog. Well, perhaps the freedom to eat more easily on the pump resulted in the weight gain, or my sugars are lower all the time and I’m gaining weight due to that. In the 2 months of pump therapy I climbed about 6 pounds, I was horrified! Now in the third month, I’ve decided to give up one of my best friends, beer, and have been jumping on my home elliptical machine a minimum of 2 miles a day. I’m back down 4 pounds, and am seeing more muscle so feeling better. What is a challenge now is that I started seeing some lows when I workout hard, doing 4 or more miles. I start messing with my basal rates, and DOAH, the blood sugars do start bouncing back up. I find it so crazy how some days I need a ton more insulin, and others very little and I can’t really make any sense of it or identify patterns (well, monthly cycles are the one exception, massive insulin needed during those swings)….I feel like taking insulin can be like gambling; it's just luck sometimes.


Whether or not chubbiness is good or bad, I’m not happy with it and I'm about to commit to a 6 week long fitness challenge. Fortunately, it starts right after I get back from vacation so I should be all fat and happy as I start it. No diabulimia for me!! I'm going to do tons of cardio, make healthy choices and I’ll keep working with the pump to dial up the right amount of insulin to keep my sugars level and rebuild lost muscles.  My challenge starts October 10th at Freedom Fitness in Burien, anyone else in?

TSA patdowns, and longing for pump breaks

I have had a couple trips to Phoenix, AZ during August as a result of landing a new job.  (Picture me doing goofy endzone celebration dance celebrating that I finally found an awesome firm to join, and am feeling the support of a sound infrastructure to enable me to better serve clients.)  It's been a very exciting end to summer 2011, and if it weren't for the 10lbs I packed on I'd probably be angst free at least until the fall rains come.

As a result of wearing my pump through security, I have had TSA guards coppin feels.  Even though the device doesn't trigger the metal alarm, the pager look-alike triggers much suspicion.  Maybe, just maybe this chubby white girl is carrying a bomb with a tiny tube that goes to her belly, and she is going to blow up her belly and the plane.  Sure, I'd love to blow some fat away, but I'm not your suicide bomber.  I really do wish TSA wouldn't have to be so damned politically correct, and COULD racially and/or demographically profile the folks that are actually a threat.  I don't buy into this bull shit that EVERYONE is a threat to our flights.  No, no, no...there is a very specific subset of the population that is likely to blow themselves up with a plane.  Your frequent business flyer is not part of this subset.  Yes, I'm annoyed that my pump is triggering this slowdown, but even more annoyed that I have to undress and pull out my laptop for this waste of time procedure in the first place.  I don't feel any safer, but I suppose I should be glad that the useless jobs are employing folks.

On a less angsty note, this last weekend the sun showed bright in Seattle and the temperatures rose.  I headed east to Lake Kachess, and went up to Box Canyon Creek for some swimming.  I decided to take some Lantus long acting insulin, and not wear my pump for about 8 hours.  There is some concern that river water could get into the port and cause infections so I had a good reason to choose not to infuse.  When I detached for a few hours, and got to wear my bathing suit without the port I realized how much I was resenting having to wear the thing. 

I am starting to see some improvements in control with the clunky device, but the annoyance of the size of the machine and the itching from the tape and port is causing me to long for breaks.  I suppose the one benefit of having health challenges in life is that they make you REALLY appreciate the most simple moments of feeling okay, and being machine free, even if only for a couple hours.

Yeah, I am doing injections when I go to Maui for sure, the pump is staying home.....no TSA pat down, or open port holes in the ocean, on that trip.

That noise is ME, not my pump...I'm an engine reving up more bravery

It’s been said before, the bravest thing you can do when you are not brave, is to profess courage and act accordingly.  In other words, fake it until you make it.

Ever hear those sales pitches when someone says, “I’m going to give 110%!”?!  It’s one of those so fake over promising lines, but it makes us feel GOOD. 

If we’re talking revenue streams, billable hours, or return on investment……..110% is something that only happens after multiple glasses of wine or cocktails.  When I think of examples of when I’ve heard this line, it is reality television involving Donald Trump or the Bachelor series….a whole lot of bull shit.  I've had a doctor tell me once that living with Diabetes requires people to give 110%.

So many folks over-promise, and under-deliver.  Presidential candidates are a perfect example, but that discussion is beyond the scope of this rant.  This rant is about my promising to take better care of myself, to give 110% or even 75% to my health while I give more than 50% to other areas of my life that are more pleasant.

I’ve already professed my aversion to changing from injection insulin therapy to pump infusion.  The battle inside my head, body and soul I could only attempt to put to words, but the angst, excitement and hope I felt really can’t be expressed.  Most of you read my attempt to feign excitement for the change; while I was internally NOT WANTING TO HAVE TO DO ANYTHING, and hoping this malfunction in my body would go away already.

I keep waking up, and each day I’m still a T1 Diabetic.  Every day, all damn day, despite all physical and spiritual endeavors to alleviate being sick……after healing books I’ve read, spiritual healing pursued, Reiki treatments channeling healing energy taken, back adjustments received, as well as attempts to exercise and not eat carbs, or way back expecting Jesus would take away my need for insulin.  Turns out no matter how much "faking" I attempt; I will ALWAYS need a shot or some infusion of insulin.  I take my need for insulin for granted, but try not to take life for granted.

Unfortunately, the line between gratitude for life and frustration toward the work to live gets blurred, and I grow so tired that my positive attitude flips to inconsolable anger.  Blessed are my acquaintances that see only the high energy exterior, cursed are those that get close to me and see the anger I’m giving 100% to hide, or erase and can't.

I’ve had a detachable organ for about a month now.  It is not the panacea I prayed for, but it is a change worth investing in.  Yes, I still must test my blood glucose levels.  Lately, more than I did in the past to deal with the transition to just fast acting insulin.  Internally I feel uneasy, and the anxiety is intensified. 

However, the change in therapy is making testing new and more interesting.  I’m always enthralled by the new and exciting; even if it has the darkest realities.  Turns out my blood sugar is unusually unpredictable, perhaps my blood sugars and indecisive nature somehow correlate.  All this new testing info is informative and scary.  I feel proud to be gathering it, but am also ridden with anxiety that my blood sugars are not PERFECT just like my other life project that I give my all to, my garden.

It is such a catch 22 to focus on Diabetes control only to realize you’re NOT IN CONTROL.  I am at a point where I’m succeeding at my career, paying my bills and then some, growing a great garden (with annoying perfection) as well as being a neighborhood volunteer, and none of it is giving me the satisfaction I seek….I still feel like I’m failing...at being happy, satisfied, or something....not even sure just what it is....but this haunting sense of failure is such a "monkey".  I'd have to give 120% to reach the level of perfection I want, but I'm starting to accept that may not be possible.

I feel overwhelmed and anxiety ridden so much of the time, but that is life dealing with illness…..you’re simply used to the one in a million negative thing happening to YOU or other people in your life that we spend time worrying about.

I have so many days when I test my sugars and see another high, and think I should be dead already.  I swallow thankfully saying I’m going to do better, I’m going to embrace and enjoy my life and live as long as I can.  Then my body sits down, I feel tired, and I feel the machine on my stomach and the awkward tubing….I know my soul is trying, and I wish my body would cooperate more often.

I feel thankful for the technology, but I am still resentful of the price and the hardship that it entails.  Reality is, I am just tired of needing the technology, but I still have some bravery left to keep faking that this SHIT doesn’t cause me so much angst.

As long as we are faking bravery, DAMMIT I will succeed because I am a HEMME; strong like the engine.

A trip to Maui in October will surely help fuel the engine to keep on going..... :)

Bionic Woman or Short Bus Special.....

I finally ordered an insulin pump.   I've been taking insulin since I was 5, sick since I was 3 or so, and I'm coming up on 34 and just now ordering a pump.  I feel excited and defeated. 

My indifference is robbing me of the joy of conviction in a decision once again.

I've been able to function on the cheap injection therapy for years, even hid the ailment from many people.  A pump is expensive, and personally invasive from my perspective.  I'm making this change because there are people that need me here, want me here, and I love life when I feel okay.  Just maybe the pump will make okay happen more of the time.

Change is hard, back to that feeling of defeat.  I have traveled much of the US for work, seen foreign beaches, and had a family (not technically mine, but mine).  Most would think that I am the QUEEN at coping with change, and unsual situations.  However, when it comes to my own health, I can be so unflexible it is just downright SILLY!  I don't know why I see this change as defeat, but it feels that way.  I'm willing to admit that I have never been one to process feelings quite so well.  (hahahha.....feelings.....catch me if you can.)

I watched this video recently that had this chick, Jony or Joni....she became paralyzed after a diving accident.  Instead of being sad and bitter she was talking about how she felt the power of God, and that God gave her the power to help others, do art with the strokes of a brush in her mouth, and wheel herself around in her chair.  She glowed in her chair, was beautiful even as she spoke of how much love she felt from God and how gracious God was.  (If she was on a pain-killer or antidepressant to help her cope, man on man, that ish is GOOD.)

I am an ASS, why am I not feeling this love and being as gracious as Joni?  Why can't I be thanking Jesus that I am healthy, defying previous predictions and have achieved nearly every goal I set for myself?!  I'm a selfish bitch, and am shamed by this chick, she is a SUPERwoman.  I may be a selfish ass, but I am humble with much admiration for the strength in a paralyzed woman that can go out and preach that there (still) is a loving God.

I may never have that kind of gratitude, or that faith, but I can appreciate it.

Pray for me to have the strength to embrace change.

Excessive Pits

I have lived a reasonably healthy and very successful life as a Type 1 Diabetic for 30 years now.  This is a prideful statement since I read that many T1 Diabetics last 25-30 years from diagnosis when I was 11.  (Casey Johnson, Betsy Arnst, Liz Rehn, and many other T1s that passed young…..your legacy is remembered.)

 I also had a couple doctors along the way talk to me as if I were a time bomb; my sense of mortality arrived before puberty.  The greatest tragedy is that I would have been a bigger success if I hadn’t lived in my cloud of doubt and fear…..not that it was only MY fear, the expressions I saw when I had to give a shot to eat were like a death sentence.

Type 1 Diabetes is a disorder that results after your own body decides to kill off pancreas cells that produce insulin.   My own body was self destructing, long before I could reason.  Insulin turns food into energy to live, laugh and love.  Those of us with T1 need pumps or shots to wake up each day.  If only taking the insulin was the end of it.  We also have to be conscious of everything we consume to ensure the insulin we take will convert it.  When we under-dose, we end up hyperglycemic feeling horrible.  When we overdose we are hypoglycemic feeling horrible.  As a Diabetic I would say that I am lucky to feel anything other than horrible 50% of the time.  I have felt tired, had headaches, or been nauseous most of my life.

In the last year I have learned that a friend’s 3 year old son was diagnosed T1, as well as another acquaintance’s 21 year old daughter met the same fate.  This auto-immune disorder can present at different phases, clearly some of us might have a better ability to fight the trigger illness that is the catalyst to developing T1.  As much as this saddens me, I am hopeful that some genius will isolate the stem cells that can survive the attack and we can all make some insulin again with stem cell plants.  Then again, perhaps we are playing god, and I should keep being thankful that technology can keep me feeling okay 50% of the time with injections.

Life is not a bowl of cherries, but life with Diabetes has excessive pits.

Alpha and Omega

The human condition, it is glorious as well as gloriously angst ridden.  We come into the world needing care, and excited family members & friends emphatically embrace us.  Then as we exit needing extensive care, and painful medical treatments, our dearest suffer as we slip away.  Hellos are so much more enjoyable than good-byes, oh the bitter-sweetness of being human. 

My father in law, almost 80 now, was skiing and playing tennis not long ago.  Right now, he rests while in pain in his bed waiting for a peaceful end to his fight with a rare infection, failing heart valve and organ function loss.  It is very unfortunate that as we age each ailment seems to have a domino effect leading to the next health challenge.

There is so much sadness in not being able to be by a loved one’s side when they pass, and yet, remembering them before their suffering may also be a relief.  My step-son that lost his real mom suddenly is very hurt not to be with his Grandpa, and this is breaking my heart too.  (Sighs) 

I try to use the cliché phrases about soon he will be free from pain, and this is for the best.  I do believe that the tears shed when someone in pain dies are for those of us that lost, not for the pained spirit freed.  Yet, there is little peace to be gained at this moment in the grief process.

Peace be with us all, and may my s-son have better coping mechanisms than I have.  J

I got my population communications inc request for money today, and...

I was watching Extreme Home Makeover the other night, and found myself annoyed.  My glass is half empty predilection demonstrates, again.  Instead of being moved by commercial kindness I’m irritated; first by the fact that 100 families could be helped rather than only 1 with the lavishness that is demonstrated in these shows.  And second, a sixteen year old advertising his film, titled “Never Say Never” as our media touts how tough fame is on him.

It’s not that the families that get these extreme  gifts don’t deserve them, but the extremeness of the handouts is almost as ridiculous as a 16 year old having a movie memoir about not saying never when he hasn’t lived a quarter of a life.  Maybe if you’re carrying HIV, and living in Africa, would such a memoir make sense, but here in the USA this movie, IMHO, is non sequitur.

I read today that the adoption of foreign children in the US has dropped 15%.  Granted, Brad and Angelina are allegedly having challenges, and for those of you only reading People magazine, the US economy is nearly in a Chinese toilet.  No one can afford the adoption fees, or the kids. 

Glass is half empty or not, we are not in a good place when over-privileged teenagers are making millions with bubble gum hip hop, and many Americans still can’t afford healthcare.   Add global warming worries, and over-population issues leading to a lack of water and food.  (Sighing with defeat…) Maybe having memoir books and movies before the age of 20 is not quite so damn non sequitur as I first thought.

Humans are breeding a new child every minute while food production drops, and the availability of fresh water declines.  If your glass is still half full, you’re drinking something other than water.