The Seed of Hemme's Angst

As a young girl growing up with a chronic illness, I observed that my future lifespan depended on the security of good health insurance.  I saw my mother battle with medical offices then insurance offices to ensure that I got the care I needed for my Type 1 Diabetes;  was the same case for my dad with his bi-polar disorder.  She was well schooled on the matter after dealing with both of our physical and mental maladies.  The engrained concept that my welfare depended on expensive medical care also caused me much mental anguish and anxieties. 

In my very early youth I trusted on a Jesus that would, or could in theory, heal my sickness.  I remember thinking that if I just pray enough, that if I did enough good acts, I would one day no longer need my shots of insulin to get through each day.  In my teens I reached moments of solid belief, and stopped giving my shots; only to land in an emergency room with ketoacidosis and an unpleasant selection of other infections fostering from high blood sugars.  Strep throat and staph infections are two of my worst enemies.  I think I was 9 when my faith in the divine started to have long periods of remission.

When going through your teens thinking you’re going to die young, the typical teenage angst and wanting to grow up fast multiplies by a re-damn-diculous factor.  I can remember writing in my diary at the age of 14 that I wanted a family of my own, and a man that loved me more than anyone else.  Granted, this is totally normal and is the common explanation for teenage pregnancy; sad little girls wanting someone that loves them and fills some void they feel.  Yet, what if you felt that having a child was your primary goal in life, and were told you shouldn’t have a kid...what are your choices then?!  It’s always the things we’re told that we SHOULDN’T do that we find ourselves thinking might make us happy.

So, what does someone in this predicament do?   Go ahead, and watch ‘Steel Magnolias’, and have a good cry.   Then pick yourself up, and remind yourself that no matter what your piece of shit circumstances are; tomorrow is going to come and you better buck the f up and do your best to enjoy it.   You can have a family, or you can create one with people already here; the choice is yours and you better try to smile while you make it.