I got my population communications inc request for money today, and...

I was watching Extreme Home Makeover the other night, and found myself annoyed.  My glass is half empty predilection demonstrates, again.  Instead of being moved by commercial kindness I’m irritated; first by the fact that 100 families could be helped rather than only 1 with the lavishness that is demonstrated in these shows.  And second, a sixteen year old advertising his film, titled “Never Say Never” as our media touts how tough fame is on him.

It’s not that the families that get these extreme  gifts don’t deserve them, but the extremeness of the handouts is almost as ridiculous as a 16 year old having a movie memoir about not saying never when he hasn’t lived a quarter of a life.  Maybe if you’re carrying HIV, and living in Africa, would such a memoir make sense, but here in the USA this movie, IMHO, is non sequitur.

I read today that the adoption of foreign children in the US has dropped 15%.  Granted, Brad and Angelina are allegedly having challenges, and for those of you only reading People magazine, the US economy is nearly in a Chinese toilet.  No one can afford the adoption fees, or the kids. 

Glass is half empty or not, we are not in a good place when over-privileged teenagers are making millions with bubble gum hip hop, and many Americans still can’t afford healthcare.   Add global warming worries, and over-population issues leading to a lack of water and food.  (Sighing with defeat…) Maybe having memoir books and movies before the age of 20 is not quite so damn non sequitur as I first thought.

Humans are breeding a new child every minute while food production drops, and the availability of fresh water declines.  If your glass is still half full, you’re drinking something other than water.

A few good romantic comedies

I'm watching the somewhat depressing movie "Full Frontal" today for the second time, and it is one that should only be watched once.  Although, the painfully realistic complex drama of people's lives falling apart and new relationships budding is making more sense the second round.  I appreciate the mental escape movies provide as well as the perspective.  This particular movie explores the human condition, the impact of pot brownies on humans and a canine, extra-marital affairs and the trauma of suicide.  It's an interesting story if you can handle a documentary on broken people, real people.  Directed by Steven Soderbergh. Starring David Duchovny, Nicky Katt, Catherine Keener as well as Julia Roberts.  A day in the life of a group of men and women in Hollywood, in the hours leading up to a friend's birthday party.  It is listed under romantic comedy, but it isn't until near the end that I have my first giggle. 

One of the best romantic comedies I've ever seen was "Closer".  I had kinky dreams with Clive Owen and Natalie Portman for weeks after watching this erotically charged flick.  The movie is a witty dangerous love story about chance meetings, instant attractions, and casual betrayals. Closer is director Mike Nichols' critically acclaimed look at four strangers - Julia Roberts, Jude Law, Natalie Portman and Clive Owen - with one thing in common: each other.  This movie is not for the naive romantic, it might break your heart.  Jude Law''s acting is good in the movie also, but my favorite Jude Law movie has to be Alfie.  The scenes with him and Sienna Miller are sexy, and disturbing.

Oddly enough, I also think the drama the "People vs. Larry Flynnt" with Woody Harrelson, Courtney Love and the very sexy Edward Norton belongs in the romantic comedy category.  Although Larry and his wife lived a very non-traditional life the movie portrayed that he loved his wife, and fought to make her last days as pleasant as possible.  Not exactly a good date movie, but an interesting film with odd perspective.

I acknowledge that truth can be stranger than fiction, and that is why escaping from reality with a movie can be such a nice release.

Time for popcorn with salt and butter, yum!  :)

Hedonism & the slippery slope of needing it to feel like the first time

There is a doctrine that happiness is the highest good, and hoards of folks will tell you only do something if it makes you happy.  Devoting oneself to pleasure as a way of life on its face seems human nature, but it is human nature that makes this lifestyle a slippery slope.  Don’t forget that debauchery is a synonym to hedonism, and self-denial is an antonym.

In high school I attended a health class where the teacher claimed that if you drink or smoke, you will likely try pot.  If you try pot, uppers in the form of your friend’s ADD meds or cocaine were likely next, and for you more extreme folks… heroine and meth would be the next stop.  She also claimed that those who drink too much are inclined to have casual sex.  I recall a fellow student saying, “Man, I gotta start drinking so I can sport fuck.”  So Tiger Woods is an alcoholic, right?!!!

In life there are lots of lines; between love & hate, bi-polar & sane, social drinker & alcoholic, playboy & sex addict.  I’m listening to Grandmaster Flash’s, “White lines”, yeah, those should be avoided too.   All these lines cause angst to someone you know.

I was about 12 when I attended my first funeral; a team-member from my speed skating team that had too much cocaine one night, and passed from a heart attack.  She was a very nice person that cut hair, and my mom recalled her saying that the skating team was so good because it kept the kids away from drugs.  Oh, the irony.  I’ve attended several other funerals (even was an alter girl at a couple); most of the deaths less dramatic natural causes, but at least three caused by drugs, alcohol, and/or suicide.

I have touted myself as a hedonist at different points in my life.  It seems to me that being happy should be our primary goal, but as I’ve aged I realize that the pursuit of happiness is also the source of much angst. (Spa visits with stellar massages excluded, of course.)

Even if you have no addictive tendencies, and have so much integrity that you will never cross certain lines….the pursuit of pleasure is a slippery slope and as we hear Foreigner singing, “It feels like the first time”, you know you’ll keep wanting something to feel like a first.  The thing about each adrenaline rush, new love, first buzz or other way one spanks their monkey to chase the blues away…all only cure boredom for a brief stint, some ups also result in extreme lows.  A hedonist, without any other purpose than feeling pleasure, goes chasing for the next up until they reach the edge.   Hunter S. Thompson wrote, “The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.” 

Hunter also wrote that only the good die young, and I have heard that he ended his life after learning he had cancer.  I think Hunter’s picture belongs in the dictionary next to the word Hedonist, and below his could be Tiger Woods.

Life is crazy, and if you find yourself living without purpose, selfishness then self-pity can swallow you. 

My mom is always reminding me that God has a purpose for us, well, I'm still waiting for him to whisper in my ear.  Our god-like Oprah, tells us that our purpose is to strive to be our authentic self.  Thankfully, I can recreate my authentic self, again and again….it can always be a first time.   I've been called the responsible black sheep, so it would seem I've kept my hedonistic spirit in check.

I will close with one more quote from Hunter:

"So we shall let the reader answer this question for himself: who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed?"  

There is dad, and there is Dave.

The phone rings, and even before I look to see who is calling my stomach sinks knowing it isn’t going to be a call I want to take.  It’s mom, and she is fighting back tears as she tells me dad is being difficult, and asks can you and your sister make your way over.  Knowing that my dad is agitated in another manic spell I suggest everyone comes to my house, getting him out of the house may help lower his tension.

Before my parents arrive I clear glass objects away from where I plan on my dad sitting.  When my dad is manic his balance is off, his hands shake, and I call him Dave instead of my dad because he is another person.  Similar to an angry drunk, he becomes belligerent and mean.  My dad is commonly a very calm man that loves math, his kids and my mother.  Dave has a predilection for buying un-necessary things, and talking about separating from my mother as well as a myriad of other irrational ideas….

Dave walks in with balloons, and hefty collection of shopping bags.  I sigh knowing that some large discount booty is surely going to be gifted to me.  He mentions that he wants to have a party, but doesn’t yet tell us why.  He is pacing around my living room, I can see that my mom is exhausted, scared and the sorrow on her face lets me know he’s been difficult for days.  Dave is rambling, and his voice is raised.  I suggest that he go use the hot tub to unwind a little, and he excitedly accepts.  Once he is in the hot tub, and staring at the view he proclaims he is in heaven.  When he is really up, he might really think he is; allegedly he was speaking of the end of the world coming a couple days ago to my sister.

My sister, aka “hostage negotiator” arrives.  She first embraces my mom, and whispers in her ear that things are going to be okay.  Mom breaks down and cries for a bit while I am watching over the potential hostage; it seems inevitable that we may need to take him to the hospital if he is not sleeping and his agitation level increases.  He rarely wants to go.  The four of us sit-down, and listen to Dave discuss why he is so angry, his voice becoming louder and louder.   I calmly ask, “Why are you raising your voice so much?”  He yells like a tantruming child, “CAUSE I’M ANGRY!”, and he starts for the door.  Dave is so fight or flight.

After we coax him to stay he repeats some things he's already said then tells us now that he has quit his teaching job, and we are celebrating his retirement.   This job he quit was a part-time job teaching 5^th graders, and apparently they agitate him too.  Funny thing is, he may have told his students he quit, but I don't think he really resigned yet.  This next week should be interesting. He goes on about my mother controlling the money too much, and that he wants a separation so he can spend his money.  For those of you that know them, you know how truly irrational this train of thought is….quit your job, spend a bunch of money then be convinced that dissolving your marriage is a good idea.

My sister does a good job of calling him out on the divorce talk, noting my mom has never done anything to deserve this threat.  In a matter of five minutes it seemed something dramatic changed in his mood.  Dave became less aggressive and threatening and was speaking more softly.  I assumed either he was tired, or he realized he wasn’t going to get away with being mean to our mother.  My father hands over the credit cards, and agrees to go home and try to sleep.  Kristin and I walk them out, hoping all will be better in the morning.  Yet, we’ll both be sleepless with our angst knowing this situation is volatile, and a dark down could also be around the corner.

I once came across a box of love letters that my dad wrote to my mother.  He was a great writer, and his letters embodied the amazing romance they felt years ago.  They’ve been married for 45 years now, and I’m sure that she has at times turned to those letters to remember the good times to help her get through the bad ones.  I’m sure this kind of story might even scare people from ever wanting to marry.  Many people are broken, and it takes a lot of strength to help them through it. 

I ask for prayers to help me accept the things I cannot change, and maintain a loving heart.

The Seed of Hemme's Angst

As a young girl growing up with a chronic illness, I observed that my future lifespan depended on the security of good health insurance.  I saw my mother battle with medical offices then insurance offices to ensure that I got the care I needed for my Type 1 Diabetes;  was the same case for my dad with his bi-polar disorder.  She was well schooled on the matter after dealing with both of our physical and mental maladies.  The engrained concept that my welfare depended on expensive medical care also caused me much mental anguish and anxieties. 

In my very early youth I trusted on a Jesus that would, or could in theory, heal my sickness.  I remember thinking that if I just pray enough, that if I did enough good acts, I would one day no longer need my shots of insulin to get through each day.  In my teens I reached moments of solid belief, and stopped giving my shots; only to land in an emergency room with ketoacidosis and an unpleasant selection of other infections fostering from high blood sugars.  Strep throat and staph infections are two of my worst enemies.  I think I was 9 when my faith in the divine started to have long periods of remission.

When going through your teens thinking you’re going to die young, the typical teenage angst and wanting to grow up fast multiplies by a re-damn-diculous factor.  I can remember writing in my diary at the age of 14 that I wanted a family of my own, and a man that loved me more than anyone else.  Granted, this is totally normal and is the common explanation for teenage pregnancy; sad little girls wanting someone that loves them and fills some void they feel.  Yet, what if you felt that having a child was your primary goal in life, and were told you shouldn’t have a kid...what are your choices then?!  It’s always the things we’re told that we SHOULDN’T do that we find ourselves thinking might make us happy.

So, what does someone in this predicament do?   Go ahead, and watch ‘Steel Magnolias’, and have a good cry.   Then pick yourself up, and remind yourself that no matter what your piece of shit circumstances are; tomorrow is going to come and you better buck the f up and do your best to enjoy it.   You can have a family, or you can create one with people already here; the choice is yours and you better try to smile while you make it.