At the end of Sept. 2011 (about 3.5 months into my pump infusion transition) I went for another doctor consultation and HBa1c test. I was irate to learn I reached an 8.6; a reading higher than I’ve had since 1995. (Picture angry Hemme tantrum here.)
I sat in a medical office chair wondering why I had shelled out so much money for a pump, spent so much time and money for extra medical visits, given so much energy to convince myself that this change would make me better. Fighting back tears, and a sense of helplessness; I counted down backwards from twenty to fight off an in office tantrum. I wanted to THROW things, to cry hysterically and most of all I wanted to NOT FEEL what I was feeling! I just want to be OVER F'N DIABETES, to be OVER this constant vigil already.
It is so frustrating to try to improve your glucose control, only to have a test show you...oh, you were better off before you did ALL THIS WORK!
The people I am paying to help me improve keep telling me the pump will make things better, and I hear it and believe it, but have yet to realize it and the tension is mounting inside me. It is likely that my feelings are adding stress only compounding my glucose control problems, but even that acknowledgment doesn't make it any easier. At least my new gym has a punching bag, I like the punching bag....punching is GOOD.
I just want to realize some success, I want to see a return on investment, but my pump investment seems to reflect my stock portfolio right now……..it doesn’t look so good.
I show up at Endo appointments hoping for new information, guidance, some epiphany, and try to ignore my belief that I already know whatever it is they can say……I still believe I know more about type 1 Diabetes than any practitioner I’ve ever encountered; outside of Dr. Richard Mauseth that I worked with as a child. (He made me the know it all I am now...lol)
I am frustrated with practitioners that keep telling me to dose up more insulin which makes me eat more as well as have more frequent lows, and then I don’t work out as much; I would be 250lbs if I dosed the way a couple practitioners have suggested I try. The funny thing is, the more insulin I give the higher my HBa1c goes because I am bouncing around even more than I did when I was skimping on my insulin. I wish that doctors would suggest more exercise rather than more insulin when it comes to hyperglycemic issues with me. I don't know if I am missing something or the advisers are or...it's all just a gamble as I've tried to explain insulin dosing before.
I wouldn't feel like I was wasting money on doctor consultations if I could get the sense a doctor was trying to understand me, and could relate to how hard my battle is. I think my greatest frustration is the patronizing talk (or at least perceived patronizing talk) I get during a Doctor consultation....."Do you know how to count carbs? Do you think your insulin sensitivity ratio is right?" Of course I KNOW HOW to count carbs, and maybe I could focus harder on my sensitivity ratio, but I want a Doctor to look at me and say, "Okay, you're SCREWING UP real bad, do something or die.."
Maybe try acknowledging the successes I have in making it this long with Diabetes, and then whip me for not doing what is expected. My greatest frustration is the awkward encounter I have with a doctor when I explain to them how uber sensitive to insulin and stress my body is, how diabetes impacts mental health and how my anxieties are impacting my control, how a lot of Diabetics don't sleep well (me especially), how TIRED sick people are of being SICK and being patronized by people that are more focused on money than our health.
This dis-ease impacts every aspect of someone’s life, and it needs a holistic treatment approach. I am frustrated by a medical world that wants to isolate Diabetes care from general care. I am supposed to see one doctor for primary care issues, another doctor for Diabetes issues, been suggested to see a psychiatrist for mental issues and heaven forbid you have a complication and need a nephrologist for kidney issues or an ophthalmologist for Diabetic retinopathy. ARGHHHHHH!!! Just shoot me already. Nobody has the time or energy to live healthy in this country, it is just SILLY! I should be able to get a pap smear, get meds for a cold AND get Diabetes care from one doctor, or at least in one medical office during the same appointment.
The US med system has made things into silos, for money issues. I am ranting here because IT IS SO FRUSTRATING. I don’t expect to change things, but just want to document what it is that makes me SO DAMN ANGSTY!!
Oh, and as a lovely bonus, I got new insurance this year so I will have to max out a deductible AGAIN! Yeah, 2011 is gonna be a BIG SPENDA med wise, which is just adding to my pissy tude about all the changes. ROOOOOAAAARRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Now that I got that out, I feel a little better. Glucose reading is 156, we're (pissy Sarah & happy Sarah) okay.
I sat in a medical office chair wondering why I had shelled out so much money for a pump, spent so much time and money for extra medical visits, given so much energy to convince myself that this change would make me better. Fighting back tears, and a sense of helplessness; I counted down backwards from twenty to fight off an in office tantrum. I wanted to THROW things, to cry hysterically and most of all I wanted to NOT FEEL what I was feeling! I just want to be OVER F'N DIABETES, to be OVER this constant vigil already.
It is so frustrating to try to improve your glucose control, only to have a test show you...oh, you were better off before you did ALL THIS WORK!
The people I am paying to help me improve keep telling me the pump will make things better, and I hear it and believe it, but have yet to realize it and the tension is mounting inside me. It is likely that my feelings are adding stress only compounding my glucose control problems, but even that acknowledgment doesn't make it any easier. At least my new gym has a punching bag, I like the punching bag....punching is GOOD.
I just want to realize some success, I want to see a return on investment, but my pump investment seems to reflect my stock portfolio right now……..it doesn’t look so good.
I show up at Endo appointments hoping for new information, guidance, some epiphany, and try to ignore my belief that I already know whatever it is they can say……I still believe I know more about type 1 Diabetes than any practitioner I’ve ever encountered; outside of Dr. Richard Mauseth that I worked with as a child. (He made me the know it all I am now...lol)
I am frustrated with practitioners that keep telling me to dose up more insulin which makes me eat more as well as have more frequent lows, and then I don’t work out as much; I would be 250lbs if I dosed the way a couple practitioners have suggested I try. The funny thing is, the more insulin I give the higher my HBa1c goes because I am bouncing around even more than I did when I was skimping on my insulin. I wish that doctors would suggest more exercise rather than more insulin when it comes to hyperglycemic issues with me. I don't know if I am missing something or the advisers are or...it's all just a gamble as I've tried to explain insulin dosing before.
I wouldn't feel like I was wasting money on doctor consultations if I could get the sense a doctor was trying to understand me, and could relate to how hard my battle is. I think my greatest frustration is the patronizing talk (or at least perceived patronizing talk) I get during a Doctor consultation....."Do you know how to count carbs? Do you think your insulin sensitivity ratio is right?" Of course I KNOW HOW to count carbs, and maybe I could focus harder on my sensitivity ratio, but I want a Doctor to look at me and say, "Okay, you're SCREWING UP real bad, do something or die.."
Maybe try acknowledging the successes I have in making it this long with Diabetes, and then whip me for not doing what is expected. My greatest frustration is the awkward encounter I have with a doctor when I explain to them how uber sensitive to insulin and stress my body is, how diabetes impacts mental health and how my anxieties are impacting my control, how a lot of Diabetics don't sleep well (me especially), how TIRED sick people are of being SICK and being patronized by people that are more focused on money than our health.
This dis-ease impacts every aspect of someone’s life, and it needs a holistic treatment approach. I am frustrated by a medical world that wants to isolate Diabetes care from general care. I am supposed to see one doctor for primary care issues, another doctor for Diabetes issues, been suggested to see a psychiatrist for mental issues and heaven forbid you have a complication and need a nephrologist for kidney issues or an ophthalmologist for Diabetic retinopathy. ARGHHHHHH!!! Just shoot me already. Nobody has the time or energy to live healthy in this country, it is just SILLY! I should be able to get a pap smear, get meds for a cold AND get Diabetes care from one doctor, or at least in one medical office during the same appointment.
The US med system has made things into silos, for money issues. I am ranting here because IT IS SO FRUSTRATING. I don’t expect to change things, but just want to document what it is that makes me SO DAMN ANGSTY!!
Oh, and as a lovely bonus, I got new insurance this year so I will have to max out a deductible AGAIN! Yeah, 2011 is gonna be a BIG SPENDA med wise, which is just adding to my pissy tude about all the changes. ROOOOOAAAARRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Now that I got that out, I feel a little better. Glucose reading is 156, we're (pissy Sarah & happy Sarah) okay.
oh woman! i hear you loud and clear! i wish i could just get 1 dr. for everything! it's so frustrating having to see, what feels like a gajilion dr's! ugh, i am here for you, just as much as you are here for me! betus buddies gotta stick together!
ReplyDeleteHey Sarah
ReplyDeleteI just want you to know I appreciate your blog. I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis in highschool and the frustration with drs, ins, meds, etc. resonnates with me. The only med that gets it under control is steroidal which always leads to high blood sugar, weight issues, and emotional issues. Even though it's not the same it is a comfort to know how much we have in common just dealing with chronic illness/disease.~Carrie
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